Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
You Might Also Like
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Hilarious if literal: arms race