GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭