How all things should be taught/explained.
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[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”