me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
at ease…shoulder.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!