“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The little toadstool has spoken.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.