Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
huge if true: the moon
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into