ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.