I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Happy Thanksgiving
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.