If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me irl
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner