The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
This pepper has seen some shit
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
What an awful time to have common sense.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.