“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You Might Also Like
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.