“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft