Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
He’s dead
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it