cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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lol
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.