Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My apartment is a mess, I should move
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”