People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.