I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.