“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there