PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??