I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see