Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send