They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Only a mother’s love …
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.