Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
You’ll be OK
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Good morning
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again