When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.