[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish