Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Golf would be better with landmines.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
our love story in four pictures
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco