I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns