I camp so other people don’t have to.
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wut hotdog?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I鈥檓 going to break it.
Technically it was only Jesus鈥檚 last supper.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
? 馃拃
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they鈥檙e familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
They got Raph!
Geez man, take it easy.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan