Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.