Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.