.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
New menu item
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.