Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Those are good neighbors.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Wednesday
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”