“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.