My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Coffee for people with no kids
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
work smarter, not harder
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”