Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Good dog. ❤️
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff