Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.