Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.