Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.