[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
#oldknees
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey