[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Smells like a challenge to me
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.