Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
*me flirting
bad news gang
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*