Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Every photo I’m tagged in
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops