“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.