Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday