*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*