JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
hackers play passwordle
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?