thanksgiving in nutshell
You Might Also Like
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.