Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
two people or more is called a problem
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”