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No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.