My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You Might Also Like
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
This checks out
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.